Month: November 2015

If I Could See You Again

If I could see you again, I would tell you that what you did was wrong.

I would tell you that you took my trust and used it as a weapon against me.

I would say that you treated your only true friend as if she were disposable.

I would say that for the rest of my high school career….I felt disposable.

If I could see you again my body might freeze in paralyzing memory.

Or I might punch you in the face.

Because what you did to me was not okay.

If I could see you again…. I would probably cry. From the anger, the fear, the resentment, and the hurt.

I would tell you I’m crying because you took from me what others give away for the first time. I would say that it is unfair that you took my virginity as well as my pride. You took my dignity.

You robbed me.

But…if I could see you again…I would tell you that I am okay.

I would say that you may have robbed me, but I found better things. I rebuilt myself and now I am stronger in spite of you.

If I could see you again I would let you know that I am happy. I have people, a job, and things that bring me joy.

I would ask you what you have done with your life.

If I could see you again, I would ask you how you feel about what you did to your high-school best friend.

I would remind you that it was rape.

And I would tell you, again, that I have begun to know what true peace is. I know what strength is. I know these things because I have had to rebuild my entire being because of what you did.

And I would cry…

But if I could see you again, if I could really tell you all of these things, I would smile. Because I know they’re true. And I have come to learn what true happiness is. I don’t feel it all the time, but I’m sure that, on the whole, I feel a whole lot better than you do.

And that brings me joy, too.

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Thank You for Dumping Me

Yeah, that sounds weird, I know.

A few weeks ago I went on a date with a guy-we’ll call him Ben- and I had an incredible first experience.

For the first time seemingly in my adult life I was fully respected for an entire date. He was kind, interested in the things I had to say, and there was never any pretense to our date. We both just wanted to get to know one another and relished the time we were spending together. Add another date, some time, and countless flirting texts and I was fairly smitten with the man. He was cute, incredibly kind, and gave me hope again for the world’s dating pool. Date three was this past Friday. We spent some great time together at the National Arboretum and then he drove me home. I told him in the car that I liked him a lot, more than anyone else I’ve gone on multiple dates with since being single. When we got out of the car, he told me that I was amazing, cute, kind, and all sorts of other sweet things. Then, in an incredibly respectable manner he told me that he just wasn’t that into me. He could tell I liked him a lot and he just couldn’t find the “spark.”

And so goes the story of my first time getting “dumped” as an adult. And I have some things to say to Ben.

First and foremost I want to thank you for your unfailing honesty. You have been nothing but respectful and kind from the get-go and I admire the hell out of that.

Ben, thank you for messaging me on that dating site. Thank you for conversing with me, teaching me, and sharing yourself with me. I enjoyed getting to know you so much and I am so grateful that our paths crossed.

I’m grateful because you showed me what it was like to be respected by a man. You showed me that I am valuable because of my kindness and intelligence before my body. You taught me that I deserved someone who would listen to me and not just pretend to care.

Thank you for ending our fleeting relationship the way you did. You were honest, forthright, and so damned amazing. You did exactly what every person should do but often chooses not to because of fear or some other reason. You communicated your feelings and validated my own. Thank you.

You are an incredible man. You are funny, kind, intelligent, and so charismatic. You are going to knock the socks off of an incredible lady and y’all are going to dive into life together.

Thank you for giving me no reason to be angry or to resent you. I can’t argue with the fact that sometimes that (ridiculously phrased but totally applicable) “spark” just isn’t there. I’ve felt the lack of “spark” before and have never been able to communicate it as effectively and painlessly as you did.

Thank you for teaching me how to have that conversation with future dates. And thank you for showing me that dating can be relatively stress free if both parties effectively communicate their thoughts and feelings.

I am happy to have known you and am refreshed knowing that there are men out in the world like you.

Best,
Jess