What’s up, amigos?
Long time no blog! I have about 37 drafts but they’re all mediocre and so here I am writing to catch up for the last three months.
As the title suggests I am 1) confused as to how it is almost December and 2) just now coming back out of a really shitty and pretty extreme depression.
It has been a lot of things. It was work, a break up, work again, general loneliness, etc.
Mostly work. Why? you ask? Well, because work is fucking hard.
So why don’t you quit if it stresses you out that badly? All you ever do is complain.
Yeah well fuck you I get to complain because my job is hard. And it isn’t that easy to just quit. I can’t leave these kids. Not when I’ve finally proven to some of them that I’m a white person that gives a shit about them. One of the first adults to give a shit about them.
That’s important. I’m sticking around at least for this year. Because it is important for these kids and it is important for my career as a teacher.
But how did I fall into a deep, deep depression? And how am I crawling out little by little every day? Well, that’s a longer story. Strap in, amigos.
I was pretty depressed when I wrote my last post about my first few weeks working at school. Not much has improved since then except my abilities to roll with the punches (both figuratively and literally…punches) and my rep with the kiddos is getting pretty solid. Most of my homeroom boys are loyal to the end and are fiercely respectful when they’re just with me. We’re now working on being respectful to everyone even if they aren’t me. I think we’ll get there.
I got over the initial shock and depression from work by getting pretty heavily involved with this dude. Guys, he was everything anyone could ever want. Gorgeous, hilarious, kind, communicative, honest, and just amazing.
He said all the right things at exactly the right time. (cue Vertical Horizon)
A week into our relationship he let me know that he had broken things off with another girl he was sleeping with because he wanted to see where things went with me.
He knew about and witnessed my hella anxiety and would do his best to stand by me and make sure I was okay. We had amazing sex. We communicated effectively. One month into us dating we both said “I love you.” Not because it was rushed and we needed to say it but because from day one it seemed like love was bubbling under the surface. And guys, love is a GREAT anti-depressant.
The night we said “I love you” I picked up on a red flag in our ‘ship because he took me to a work function of his. He was all dazzled by how gorgeous I am when I try to dress up, and then introduced me as his “friend” to his friends. You coulda left that out, bucko. If girlfriend is so scary you could have just been all mysterious and said “this is Jess.” BAM. No “friend” bullshit and no “girlfriend” anxiety. But nooooo.
Anyway, things got sorta weird after that because he bailed on me three times in a row that weekend after telling me he wanted to meet my dad. At every opportunity he came up with excuses or tried to get me to change my mind about inviting him instead of just telling me he didn’t want to fucking meet my fucking dad.
So I went over to his place the second-to-last night that my dad was visiting and spent the night. It was bomb. He’s so great. Aww yay love.
I asked him if I could stay the night again, since it had been a few days since I had seen him and because I was leaving the next day for a week. He said he would love to see me. In fact, he went so far as to say “nothing would make me happier than seeing you again tonight”
We set a time for me to go over to his place earlier in the day (Me: how is 10? Him: perfect, like you) and while I am waiting for my uber to arrive at 9:45 he texts me that I should stay home- don’t I want to spend the last night with my dad? Won’t I feel bad? blah blah blah.
Motherfucker, I want to see you. I will be home early to make my dad coffee. Wtf.
“I’m just not trying to chill tonight”
Jesus. Okay. Could have said that ANYTIME IN THE LAST 10 HOURS but no it’s cool. So I go on vacation and want to talk to him about the bullshit that is bailing on me over and over again but he won’t fucking talk to me. “Go enjoy your vacation. Don’t think about me” Right. Because I can do that.
I did my best to do that. When I returned shit hit the fan. I went to go see him and we got to talking. And he told me that I should have just forgotten about him and done whatever I wanted on the vacay. Make out with whoever I wanted, sleep with random vacation strangers, etc.
So I asked him if that was what he would want if he went away for a few days. Would he want to bang random ladies and forget all about me? Well, it turns out that yes, he would want that.
I let him know we were on very different levels of our relationship. I asked him how I could have gotten so confused about where we were. He could think of nothing. He thought I was batshit for even thinking we were in something monogamous.
I don’t know, dude. Maybe because you told me you broke up with a girl so you and I could see where our relationship would go. Maybe because you TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME.
But you “aint tryna be anybody’s boo” so I get it. I must have gotten my signals crossed.
See? I’m STILL MAD about that. I’m still hurt by that. He said all the right things all the time and I think it was out of him dating girls that just wanted to hear the excuses so they could feel like he loved them. I am all about honesty and when his stupid asshole actions didn’t match with his slimy manipulative words I had to call him on that.
And his ass had the effing audacity to say “well we can still hang out and have sex, right?”
NO, MOTHERFUCKER. WE CANNOT.
So that kind of influenced my depression to go another way. It is a really terrible feeling to realize that most of your happiness in the past month was based on another human making you feel wanted and valued when in reality all they were doing was trying to get their bang on.
I got sad again. And just a few weeks ago a huge change happened at work and they didn’t adequately prepare staff or students so I got my 4 girls ripped away from me and I got a whole new class of boys who hated me as much as they loved their last teacher. One who I look up to. One who literally coaches me. A better teacher.
They got stuck with me and I can’t hold onto a boyfriend. I can’t have ONE human love me how can I convince these kiddos that I am worthy of their respect when ONE person can play me like a fool?
Illogical thought process, I know. But I still had a fucking breakdown at school and took three days off with a weekend in-between.
Because I had to think about some shit.
I needed to sleep. That was one thing. And I needed to get my shit together with planning for my classes. And I finally, finally needed to go see a doctor about getting medication for my anxiety.
When a classroom of 9 eleven-year-olds can send you into a panic attack, and you’re going to have those same 9 children every single day for the rest of the year….you probably can’t handle your anxiety on your own anymore.
I also finished my free therapy sessions that were allotted to me from the DC Rape Crisis Center from the sexual assault in August 2015.
No therapy, stressful job, worsening anxiety, slipping into depression, shitty break up.
Let’s go talk to a doctor.
She was amaaaaaaaaazing. And we chatted for a while about my fears of medication and whether we should treat the anxiety or the depression, etc.
I got a prescription for my anxiety. And the first few days were hell and I cried ALL THE TIME and I wanted to puke and then eat and then puke and then eat and it was weird.
But holy shit. Even in just the 3-4 weeks I’ve been taking them my whole mentality has shifted. I feel ready for work. I feel determined to work hard to improve my relationships with the kiddos. There’s a lot going on and I think I can make it.
Also, fuck that guy. I see him all the time at the bar we both love and frequent. Yesterday was the first time I saw him and didn’t cry. Because he cannot have that hold on me anymore. I am my own damn woman and I will go where I want to go and I will laugh when I want to laugh and I will be happy without a man or a woman by my side because my happiness and my control over myself is what is important. Fuck everyone else.
Thanks for reading. #sorrynotsorry it turned into a rant.
This is where I am. Stay tuned for hilarious and/or weird and/or sad posts about my life at work. Because I basically live there now. But it’s cool.
Until next thyme, friends! (haha, Thanksgiving pun!)